The Hope of Grief

As I stood at the kitchen sink earlier marveling at the waves of grief washing over my body, I couldn’t help but wonder about the pain I was feeling.   Grief really does come to me in waves and the waves are completely unexpected, very badly timed and apparently completely random.

Of course, with my logical mind, I will try to discern a pattern as to when the waves hit (what was I thinking, doing, not doing, not thinking, blah blah blah) so I can try to control them.  Once I think I have a pattern figured out, the universe will totally fuck up my logic by changing up the pattern.  This is a game I play with the universe where I try to control and the universe kicks my ass.

While I was laughing at myself knowing I was going to engage the universe in a totally losing proposition but not willing to give up, I heard “the hope of grief.”

Hmmm…that’s really an interesting statement:  the hope of grief.

As I began to ponder, the story immediately crystalized.

It was about 6 years ago now when Allan was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver.  He left it untreated and about 3 years ago, he got noticeably sicker and I naturally left the role of wife and took up the role of caretaker.

The role of caretaker is a difficult role and we are blessed in this world to have people who voluntarily fill this role for us and our loved ones.  God bless them for they truly are angels walking the planet.

As the caretaker for someone I loved deeply, I unconsciously stopped loving from my heart and began living from the head.  The survival instinct kicked in because if I lived from my heart, I would be always crying and I didn’t have time for that.  Allan needed me to be strong and so strong I became…right up until he took his last breath.  I was by his side almost every day for the last 2 years 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I did was I thought was best for both of us at the time.

Slowly, over the last 7 months, my heart has begun to open up again and with it comes the grief, the pain, the despair, the loneliness and the sorrow.  Deep, soul wrenching, breath stealing and more overwhelming that I could ever think possible.

So universe, how is grief giving me hope?

Answer:  I am moving from my head space back to living from the heart.

How do I know?  Because I am feeling again.  Every time a wave of grief hits, it means my body is letting go and will hold less grief for the next wave.  Over time, the waves will lessen until they eventually stop.  My heart will hurt less until eventually it begins to fully love again and despair, loneliness and sorrow will be replaced with hope, happiness and joy.

How much time this transition will take, I do not know but I cling to the hope of grief.

With blessings



Unapologetically Rediscovering

I took my dogs for a walk on my favourite beach this morning at Waterside, New Brunswick.  This beach has 60′ tidal changes every 6 hours because it’s on the magnificent Bay of Fundy.

I love this beach, not only for its energy, but for the excitement of seeing its changing facade.  It never looks the same two visits in a row and this time was no exception.  I suspect Dorian had something to do with the new look.  The sand was smooth and packed all the way up to the dune.  Easy walking for me and great running for the dogs.

The last time I visited this beach, I grieved for me and for Allan.  It was raw, it was cleansing.  This time, it was quiet but I wasn’t very present.  I had a hard time focusing on the moment so I gave up and called on the energy associated to the water to merge with my energy and cleanse my fields.  I didn’t force trying to be present, I allowed my brain to wander where it needed to.

As I drove away from the beach, I had a profound shift in my awareness.  I was feeling the same way I felt before I married for the first time many years ago.  I am rediscovering who I am as a single woman.  I am rediscovering how truly incredible I am and what I bring to the world.  I am rediscovering how I touch people’s lives and do my best to bring joy and happiness to those I speak to and interact with.  All of this without fear of making my partner jealous or having to watch what I say or who I talk to or what I do.

(There are many underlying reasons for why I watched what I did or said or who I spoke to while married but that’s for another blog.)

I am loud, I am brash, I am bold and I am fabulous.  I stopped apologizing for who I am a long time ago and my goal in life right now is to have fun.  I desire to be remembered as the lady who lifted others.

I desire to bring joy into everything I do.

If I haven’t spoken to you today, may I remember you that you totally rock and the world is a much better place with you in it.  I love you unconditionally.  Continue to be fabulous.

There is indeed magic in boldness.

Rock on, babies!!

With blessings


The Fear of Being Skinny

I have a fear of being skinny.  I didn’t even know it was possible but there it is.  I have a fear of being skinny.

I discovered this fear yesterday when I was contemplating the physical health journey I decided to undertake this year.  Gratefully, I’ve healed and balanced my mental, emotional and spiritual bodies so the physical body is the last one.

I have a fabulous personal trainer who is guiding me on how to move properly and now, I have a nutrition trainer who is guiding me on how to eat properly.  Shockingly, I’m not eating enough!  That is totally against what I’ve been taught my entire life.  If you want to lose weight, eat less.  WRONG!!  My body’s been in starvation mode most of my life and I didn’t even know it.

As I work on dropping body weight, I’m facing emotions I’ve eaten in the past.  The emotions and thoughts were stored in my body because I used food to cover what I didn’t want to deal with.  Now, I have to deal with it and thankfully I am better equipped to.

Thinking I was in a good place to move forward, I was shocked to realize I’m actually stuck on my journey and have been for a few weeks now… that is until yesterday and the revelation that I have a fear of being skinny.

In order to understand the fear, I have to go back to my school years.

I was a chubby girl and had 3 to 4 bullies remind me daily how chubby I was and how I was unworthy of being alive.  Those years were traumatic and certainly contributed to the weight gain.

In late high school and university, I really took control of my health and dropped weight.  I looked great, I felt great and thought the world was going to right itself because now I was a regular sized person.  That was until I began experiencing sexual harassment and in one case, sexual assault.  I couldn’t help wondering if I was overweight, would this have happened?  I wasn’t strong enough to defend myself against the assault and once again, was left with a feeling of helplessness.

Overweight, I was bullied.  Regular sized, I was assaulted.  What do I need to do?

I subliminally decided I’d rather be overweight and bullied than skinny and assaulted.  The mental seemed less painful than the physical.  It certainly wasn’t but that was the choice I made and ballooned up considerably as a result.

Now, at 53, I know that my physical body must be healthy for me to live a great quality of life in my later years hence I’m now facing my fear of being skinny.

I’m well on my way to looking great, feeling great and knowing how to kick someone’s ass if they decide they want to prove their “macho-ness” on me again.

And now, if you will excuse me, I have a lunch date with a very attractive salad.

Have a blessed day.

With love


It’s All About Permission

We can learn so much from the animal world.  I do.

Today, I took my dogs to the dog park for the first time.  This was a big deal for the three of us.  For my puppy, Goldie, because it was her first time and it was very exciting.  For my older dog, Gypsy, because she was abused and attacked by other dogs for many years before she came to live with me.  How would she take it?  For me, because I didn’t know how Gypsy was going to react and would I be able to handle her if the situation went badly?

Gratefully, there was no one at the park when we arrived so they had an opportunity to explore the park unhindered.  As expected, Goldie was having a great time running all around and Gypsy was hyper because of the smells.  Overall, the three of us were happy.

About 30 minutes later, another dog appeared so I quickly leashed Gypsy and sat on the bench so my center of gravity was lower.  Even though I had a gentle lead on Gypsy, I knew that she could still inflict a lot of damage on my body flailing herself around while on lead.  Gypsy became anxious and whimpered as I held tightly onto the lead and basically leaned on her to try to keep her still.

As the gentleman walked into the fenced area with his dog, I explained a little of Gypsy’s history.  He was okay with taking the chance letting Gypsy off her lead.  When I did, she immediately approached the other dog, sniffed and walked away!  That’s it!  No dramatic stare down, no snarling, no fighting, nothing.  The reason she was twitchy was because I had her on lead unable to go anywhere.  It was my fear interfering with the natural process of permission.  Dogs giving each other permission to say hi or not and to hang together or not.

Another dog and owner came in shortly after and I did the same thing:  put Gypsy on the lead, explained a bit of her story and when he was okay with letting her off lead, she went right for the other dog and sniffed.  The reaction from the second dog however was very different from the first dog.  The second, older and more experienced dog, let Gypsy know very quickly that Gypsy did NOT have permission to say hi or hang around.  Gypsy immediately backed off.

Wow!  What a bunch of lessons I learned in that moment!

First of all, nature always wins and I no longer feared that Gypsy will be socially awkward.  She is fine.  I need to get out of the way and stop telling the old “Gypsy” story.

Secondly, it’s all about permission.  What am I willing to allow from others?  What am I willing to allow from myself to me?  What am I willing to allow FOR myself?

Regardless of my past, what matters is what I am willing to permit now.

I’ve not been single since I was 18 years old.  Up until then, my parents were heavy influences on my life, I did what was expected and tried to make them proud.

Over the last 35 years, I’ve permitted myself to compromise, sacrifice, take charge of, control, give up, let go of, hold on to, etc. molding myself into what I believed I needed to be for the sake of my marriage, my partner, my child, my employer, my friends, and so on.

Now, as a single adult, I realize I have a significant amount of adjusting to do including what I’m willing to permit.

Why is this such a big deal?

Because today, for the first time in my life, I’ve permitted myself freedom.  While my parents are alive and well, they no longer hold sway over me and I know they are proud.  I no longer have a partner to work my life and desires around.  My son is old enough to make his own decisions and lead his own life.  I chose my friends and no longer have to be friends with people who are not at the same vibration level.  I am now officially free.  I can permit myself to live the gypsy lifestyle.  I can permit myself to eat what I desire.  I can permit myself to spend as I chose and go where I want when I want.

It’s a heady feeling.  Self-permission is not something new but it IS new because I have a different perspective.  I am seeing this through the eyes of an adult fully capable of making my own decisions with no outside influences.  I hope this makes sense because I have no other way of explaining this.

As I permit myself the time to write this blog, I listen to the gentle breathing of two very tired dogs who’ve unknowingly (or perhaps knowingly since they know me better than I know myself) given me another key to unlocking the doors of my life and the direction I could potentially be heading in.

While I wait for more details to unveil themselves, I give myself permission to nap and then head off to the Albert County fair to watch the horse pulls by myself.  I suspect I will also give myself permission to have french fries and gravy while I’m there.  Why?  Because I can!!

Have a fabulous day everyone.

With blessings


Lacking Trust

Today I lacked trust.

I panicked and frantically decided I needed to go back to where I used to work because I made more money and I could work from home so I could help David travel from one job to another because he has the opportunity for a second part time job and the bus system is terrible in Riverview and if I worked from home I could get him to his new job and the extra money could help pay for stuff that is suddenly coming up and …

Sound familiar?

Yup, I totally lost my brain and ego slammed us into the wall.  It didn’t matter that the panic wasn’t mine because I took full ownership of it.  I fell back into an old pattern that I thought I’d healed.  Obviously it’s coming up for healing again so I didn’t completely heal it.

This is a blessing in disguise and an opportunity I won’t miss.  I take full responsibility for falling off the trust bandwagon and I will spend time this weekend identifying the root of the panic and healing the trigger that got pushed.

The universe is moving me in this direction for a specific reason so I must trust regardless of what the ego is thinking.

As I spoke to a dear friend about this today, she reminded me that I was in this type of position before.  This situation reminded me that a single decision could put me right back to where I was before.  I truly know that there but for the grace of God go I.  Feeling humbled by all of the gifts the universe has given me:  my son, my home, my Allan, love, abundance, peace, passion for life… and the list goes on.

Why did I lack trust?

It has been my experience that when I freak out like this, there is something deep coming up for healing because there’s something amazing coming around the corner that I must be ready to receive.

The challenge is to recognize the pattern without engaging in the pattern meaning I’m not going back to my old company because it was toxic.  David will figure out a way to get himself from job A to job B because that’s part of the maturing process and if he wants both jobs, he’ll figure it out.  He’s done great for himself up until now and certainly doesn’t need me interfering.  Finally, the universe always supplies the funds I need when I need it so I won’t limit myself to a job (just over broke), I will release it to the universe to pay for.  After all, the universe is limitless and money is just energy.

Are you lacking trust in something the universe brought to you?  Is there something you could be healing and releasing?

Are you repeating an old pattern too?

The new energy is here and forcing old crap to surface.  We could resist and continue to live in pain or we could embrace and flow through the powerful transition that is upon us.

The divine feminine is rising.  She is loving breaking down the old patriarchy while ensuring true masculinity shines in this new world order.

I’m excited about falling off the trust wagon because I can get right back on.  How about you?

With blessings


Fun Anyone? Anyone?

As I sit in the airport waiting for my flight home, I reflect on my trip to Edmonton.  I attended my dear cousin Stacey’s wedding and I was surrounded by family I hadn’t seen in a long time.  In a couple of cases, this was family I’d heard about but never met.  What a joy to know I have even more family than I knew!

Our family certainly did go forth and multiply!!

The wedding was Saturday afternoon and the reception happened in a lovely and beautifully decorated hall filled with lots of family, friends and love.

My cousin Jeremy, Stacey’s brother, was clearly channeling Robin Williams.  Sweet goodness, he was on a roll and he was funny.  I’m not yet sure if alcohol played a part in the festivities but all I know is his brain was running fast and his mouth was keeping up.

I laughed so hard at his antics that my face hurt.  My back ribs hurt too!  I didn’t have the pain in the side as I’d normally expect…I skipped right to back ribs.  How the hell does that happen!?

Besides that, I actually flirted with the 29-year old unattached waiter.  I made sure to find out if he was married or dating anyone.  Anyone attached is off-limits in my world.  Not even for playful flirting.  Also, I haven’t flirted since Allan and I got together.  He had past experiences that I was very aware of and knew there was a line I couldn’t cross, not even in jest.

Does flirting with a young man make me a cougar?  If it does, I’m okay with it.  My husband was 18 years older than me.  It should be okay for me to flirt with someone 24 years younger, shouldn’t it?  Especially given we were both consenting and having fun.

The evening definitely brings a smile to my face and I had an incredible realization.

Let me back track a minute.

When I met Allan and started my spiritual journey, I realized that I sought peace.  Gladly, I found it.

Once Allan passed, I began to wonder what the next leg of my journey would bring.  Now, I know…fun.  This leg of my journey is about fun.

Allan brought fun to my life with his personality and his antics.  He knew how to get me out of a bad mood and move me through sadness.

Now, it’s time for me to find fun for myself.

When I get home, I’ll ponder on what I find fun.  I’ll make a list of activities I’d like to do that would be fun.  I’ll also be looking for people who are willing to have fun with me.

As I scan my memory banks, I don’t know if I know how to have fun.  How can that happen?  By definition, fun is enjoyment, amusement, or lighthearted pleasure.  Do I truly know how to enjoy the moment without analyzing the hell out of it?  Without trying to find a “deeper” meaning in everything?

I’ve been living looking for deeper meaning for many years and perhaps it’s time to rethink my thunk.  I guess I need to learn how to enjoy the moment just for the moment.

Once again, my journey towards fun has begun.  Or has it?  I’ll think about it and see what I find out… 😉

Have a fabulous day.

With blessings


Larger than Life

So…David and I flew to Edmonton yesterday … Boom!  (Mic drop).

For you “normal” people this statement means absolutely nothing but for us “larger than life” folks, there are massive (sorry for the pun) undertones for this.  My fellow larger than lifers know what I’m talking about.

For those of you who’ve not met me in person, Creator made me to look like this:


and planes are built for people who look like this:

Skinny model

Talk about fitting a round peg into a square hole!!

Imagine it… getting on a plane with aisles that are too narrow, seats that are too small and seat belts that are too short.  Me along with a group of my closest non-friends hoping they didn’t draw the short straw meaning the empty seat beside them isn’t mine!

Many a flight I saw horror in the eyes of my neighbour as I made my way down the aisle towards them!

HA HA HA … the memories are flooding back as I type this.  With well over 30 years of travel under my belt (sorry, I just had to), it’s safe to say I could have been the main character in the retelling of someone’s flight story.

“Ya know, I was minding my own business when the Goddess of Willendorf gets on the plane and sits right next to me…”

**Giggle** **Giggle***

In the past I was horrified about not being able to do up my seat belt and needing an extension.  Now, it’s simply part of my story.

I’ve dropped about 50 lbs and many inches in the last couple of years so I’m happy to announce I don’t need an extension now for the bigger planes but the little puddle jumpers they call Dash-8s are just not made for humans, regardless of size.

David and I are now safely tucked into our hotel room that thankfully is built for larger than lifers and we are getting ready to celebrate the union of two fabulous people.  I will glue cake and cookies directly to my hips, ass and thighs knowing that’s where these delicacies will end up and be proud of the fact I’m fulfilling my mission as the Goddess of Willendorf.

Have a fantabulous day!

With blessings


Trusting the Sacred

The body is an amazing being.  For years I ignored my body for which now I am paying a price of sorts.  I am learning to listen and trust my body to do what it needs to do so I can live my best life.

Over the last 6 months, I’ve been going through some major life changes.  My body conformed to my desires and kept going in times of pain (physical and mental) to ensure I was doing what I felt needed to be done.

Today was the first day of an almost two week vacation and my body yearned for the water.  As an empath, the water is sacred for me.

I took my two dogs for an early morning drive and went to my sacred temple, Waterside Beach.  The tide was very low which meant lots of beach for my dogs to run on.  As usual, I allowed my mind to wander as I listened to the waves and felt the wind on my face.

My body however, was getting ready for something I never expected.

As I finally made my way to the end of the beach, I found a log upon which to rest.  The dogs had run themselves tired and laid down beside me.  When I looked up, I spotted it.  My favourite animal, the bald eagle.  This animal is sacred to me and represents boldness, beauty, freedom and a sense that all is right in the world.

The eagle flew very low across the beach and as it reached the other end I whispered “please come back.”  I felt a tear roll down my cheek.  I didn’t realize I had wept it and as I contemplated what I was sad about, I looked up again and the eagle was coming back.

I thanked my totem animal for responding to my wish and promptly began to cry in earnest.  What started as a few tears grew into deep heart wrenching sobs.  I cried for myself.  I cried for Allan.  I cried for the pain.  I cried for the loneliness.  I cried because I needed to without knowing I needed to.

The dogs didn’t understand but felt what was happening.  They sat up in alert beside me almost like they were holding space and protecting me in my moment of pain and weakness.  Once again proving we are all energy and we are all connected.

My pain was triggered by the eagle and my body was finally allowed to express what I’d been suppressing for such a long time.  My body knows divine timing is everything.  I couldn’t afford to break down before that moment.  There was too much to do and I just had to put my head down and get it done.

Now that I am on vacation, my body knows now is the time.

The tears have stopped for now and I know there are more buried inside.  I used to hate crying and while it’s still not my favourite activity, I am trusting my body that the tears are necessary.

Only day 1 of a 13 day vacation.  Wonder what the remaining 12 days have in store.  I better head to Cosco for some tissues!  I think I’m gonna need it!

I am sending you much love and peace.

With blessings


Right as Rain

I’d heard the expression “right as rain” before but never truly understood it until this morning.

This year has been very difficult mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially.  I am truly a single mom now since David’s father is mostly absent from his life and his step father has passed.

My husband was not financially savvy so I have a lot of cleanup to do with regards to his estate and it certainly didn’t help that I left a comfortable job with a company I’d been working for for 14 years out of the comfort of my home.  Every weekday morning now, I am out of bed by 5 (notice I didn’t say awake at 5) to let the dogs out, bring the cats in, get breakfast for the dogs and cats, let the dogs back in and crated for breakfast, drive David to work on Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning then get ready for work.  On Tuesday and Thursday mornings, I head to the gym then off to work in an office building in downtown Moncton…gulp…with people!  You empathic people understand this…

When you’re working at home, you’re not working less than in an office but being isolated certainly affords you the time to get work done.  Being in an office and being a social person, I’m often and easily distracted.  In many cases, I’m the one doing the distracting for others.  *Sigh*

Depending on what is going on with production, my day could be gobbled up dealing with production issues.  Essentially, it’s rare that at the end of a work day, I feel like I’ve completed a significant amount of my own work however, I do feel like I’ve helped others.  I will take the win!

Evenings are just as busy.  When I get home around 4:30 or 5 pm, there are requests for my time.  My son is seeking attention since he’s been home alone for most of the day.  The dogs are looking for rubs and to get fed.  Activities I’ve committed to are coming due and it’s not uncommon for people to reach out looking for help and guidance.  Also, because I’ve not done my work during the day, I work into the evenings.

Please understand… I love love LOVE helping people and providing guidance when and where possible.  That’s what I was born to do.

My days will become even more adventurous as September rolls around because of the other activities that will begin.  David will have gym on Mondays, swimming on Tuesdays and power lifting on Thursdays.  I will have choir on Sundays and Soul Cafe on Wednesdays.  (Side note: I’m pushing David very hard to get his license!!)

The reason I’m giving you a run down of my day (which is probably no different from yours and for those of you with multiple children, you have my utmost respect!) is because this morning I woke up at 3:30ish in a panic.  How am I going to pay this bill?  How am I going to afford my upcoming trip to Edmonton?  How can I do this on my own?

Over the last few years, I was even busier because I also provided 24 hour care to Allan and in spite of that, my schedule didn’t seem as overwhelming as it is now.  Allan was my buffer, my safety blanket.  I could deal with anything because he was with me.

Now, I’m on my own.  Can I truly do this on my own?  It’s certainly not like I’m the first person to do this and I definitely won’t be the last.  As my sister-in-law would say “suck it up, buttercup.”  This is the reality of my situation so figure out how to make the best of it.

Back to this morning, as I took deep breaths and grounded myself, it started to rain.

I heard the rain gently hitting the leaves on the tree outside my window.  I heard the rain hitting the street and of course, I smelt the dust stirred by the rain.  For some reason, those sounds combined with that smell calmed me down.  Then I heard the words “right as rain.”

Yes, everything is right as rain.

Emotions come and go.  This will soon pass as Allan would say.  Everything is happening exactly as it needs to.  I’m always supported by the universe and I know the universe is conspiring to help me, never hurt me.  In that moment of despair, I’d forgotten this valuable knowledge.

Thankfully, the panic quickly subsided, I laid back down for a morning snooze forgetting that I had full intention of bringing the dogs for a run on the beach this morning.  The rain lulled me to sleep and I felt the universe giving me a hug.

All is right as rain.  Be at peace.

With love


My Final Good Byes

This coming weekend, I say my final good byes to my beloved Allan.

My husband passed away on Friday March 29th 2019 from kidney failure brought on by advanced cirrhosis of the liver.  He was diagnosed with cirrhosis about 6 years ago and the life expectancy of someone with this imbalance is about 5 to 6 years.

I was Allan’s only care taker and for the last 2 years, I didn’t travel far from his side.  Slowly and gradually, life changed as the imbalance progressed.  The changes were small and barely noticeable.  We adapted as was necessary and compensated when we could.  In hindsight, life had actually changed significantly over the 6 years of Allan’s illness.

When Allan finally passed, I was heart broken and relieved.  Relieved for him because he no longer suffered and relieved for me.  Caring for someone you love and watching them waste away can’t be put into words.  In the last 2 years of his life, I essentially didn’t sleep.  I was constantly on alert in case Allan needed something.  For the last 3 months, every time he got up, I had to get up too to help him get out of bed or out of his chair and complete whatever he needed to do.  The weaker he got, the stronger I had to be.  Mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

What was especially difficult for me during Allan’s illness was getting out of his way.  As a shaman, I’ve healed myself and many others of imbalances they were holding in their different bodies but, I couldn’t help Allan.  Why?  He didn’t want my help.

He didn’t speak the words.  It was communicated by his actions.

The liver holds heavy emotions like anger, rage and fear.  Did Allan have those emotions?  Yes.  He accumulated a lot from the many traumas in his life and while he believed he lived in grace, it wasn’t enough to heal the emotions trapped in his liver.

Many times, we discussed his imbalance and he would often ask how he could heal himself.  He would ask me for help and as much as I tried to guide him towards healing, he would divert the conversation to other topics and we would never get to the root of the emotions.  He booked sessions with fellow healers but always returned unsatisfied and never rebooked.  He attended one appointment with the liver specialist and never went back.  He continued to drink in spite of being told not to and he continued to eat foods that caused his liver to hurt.

Since I met Allan 14 years ago, even up to the moment of his passing, Allan lived his life on his terms.  Every action or inaction on his part was a conscious choice he made and nothing could divert him when he made up his mind.

While I loved unconditionally before Allan became ill, his end of life journey taught me about the gift that is unconditional love.  It’s hard to express what it means but I will try… It’s providing support for another while not judging their choices and not allowing yourself to be trapped by those choices.

There were many times when I could have walked away and chose to stay.  Making a conscious choice is far more powerful than feeling obligated.

While I desire for everyone to heal and live a peaceful, balanced life, it’s also important to remember that we are all at choice with what we desire for ourselves.

Thank you Allan for the love and joy you brought to my life.  I will miss your quirks and your humour.  I will miss our long drives to nowhere.  I will miss the cuddles and most especially, I will miss the comfortable silence in which much was said without being spoken.

I am your mama Earth Goddess.

I love you.