One Breath At a Time

I am trying to focus on my new initiative because it’s calling my soul unlike anything I’ve felt before in this lifetime.  I spontaneously see what the future is shaping up to be and I am so very excited about it… Today, I am also very sad about it.

Allan is not here in physical form to share this with me.  Of course, I know he’s guiding and watching over me in spirit form but it’s definitely not the same.

When he and I got together, age didn’t matter.  All that mattered was that we found each other when it was least expected.  I found the joy in life for the first time and I found someone who accepted me as I was and as I would become.  He also thought he would live for a long time and I believed him.

And now, I am moving forward on the journey after having said goodbye to him.

It was this time last year that I was making daily trips to the hospital fighting for his life.  Now, I am planning for my future without him.

I am afraid.  I am lonely.  I am raw.  I am exposed.  I am broken.

While I know this wave will pass and breathing will stop hurting soon, I am being guided to share this moment with you.

Someone out there needs to know it’s okay to be afraid.  It’s okay to feel lonely and be raw.  It’s okay to feel exposed and broken.  While you are all of these things, allow the universe to hold you and wrap its loving arms around you.  It will whisper that you are loved.  You are seen.  You are felt and are being pieced back together to become an even stronger version of who you are.

One breath at a time.  Moment by moment.  One step forward then the next.

While it’s not yet time for me to leave this lifetime, it is time for me to use all of my life lessons and experiences to help others.  I should probably be “new agey” right now and say I am grateful for these experiences but I’m not.  Perhaps I will feel that way tomorrow.

One breath at a time.  Moment by moment.  One step forward then the next.

The dawn of a new day is coming.  I am waiting for the dawn…

With blessings

Sharon

The Power of Passion

I haven’t blogged in a while and that’s because I am heads down working on my next project.  I am so excited about it but I can’t reveal it yet.  That will come in due time.

What this project is reminding me of is the power of passion.  When I allowed my passion to rear it’s fabulous head, it took over.  It became a vision that wouldn’t go away or be suppressed no matter how much I tried.

At a deep level, this passion has taken on a life of its own and there is a quiet knowing that this is going to be successful.  All of the pieces have aligned and there is no way I can mess this up.  The passion won’t allow me to.

It’s got a loving hold of my heart and my head has no choice but to comply.  Creator has told me many times in the past, when you make a decision with your heart, your head will make it work.  When you decide with your head and your heart’s not in it, no matter how hard you try, it won’t work.  I know this from personal experience.

Unlike my past projects, this one is not all consuming but it is a gentle force that nudges me to complete the necessary activities to keep the project moving forward.  It’s hard to explain but I will try.  All consuming is like throwing fuel on a fire.  You get a huge boom and sky high flames that burn brightly and are keenly felt but the flames and fire die out quickly.  The gentle force of which I speak is a fire fed by feeding it a log at a time and lovingly fanned by the wind to ensure it burns steadily and brightly without overwhelming or burning out.  This is a fire for the long haul and not the short burst.

That’s the best picture I can paint about the power of passion.

Have you thought about what burns within you?  Are you like me and have had a passion for a long time but denied it because there was always something “more important” you had to take care of?

If the passion truly belongs to you and is a calling, eventually it will burn through the “more importants” until you have nothing but passion left.  Then it will propel you to light the fire.  Be prepared to embrace the power of passion as much as you embrace the “more important” that you’ve allowed to deviate you.

I will be a cheerleader in your corner reminding of you of how great you are.  I suspect I won’t be the only one.

Let the power of passion move you.  You will be glad you did and the world will be a better place for it.

With blessings

Sharon

Hot Cocoa and Deep Discussions

Today is my husband Allan’s 72nd birthday.  He would’ve loved this weather because we would’ve sat together in the living room, me with hot cocoa in hand, and talked about anything and everything we could think about.

We had some incredibly meaningful discussions about spirituality, relationships, databases, entity relationships, etc.  (Yes, we were both geeks and loved having debates about the best way to setup databases!!)

It’s very true what they say about marrying your best friend because when the physical act is no longer possible, communication is what you have left so you’d better be willing to talk to each other.  Interestingly enough, I found that type of togetherness really intimate because we spoke at a very deep soul level.  Casual conversations were not our thing and with every conversation, I fell more and more in love with him.

I miss the ease with which we bantered and the respect we had for each other’s opinions.  We definitely didn’t always agree but we made an effort to understand the other person’s view point.  Our home was filled with the energy of peace and joy that could only come from contentment and a deep abiding love.

For the last couple of years, while Allan was sick and after his passing, I kept a low profile to give myself time to grieve and heal.  I also joined a couple of widow/widower Facebook groups to understand how others were coping with their loss.  What I came to appreciate was all of the healing I’d done in the past around death, fears of being alone and abandonment, etc.  While I’m still feeling and experiencing grief, it’s definitely not as all consuming as many of the people who post in these other groups.

In my world, death is the transformation of a being from one state to another. I constantly sense Allan’s presence and of course, talk to him as if he were still here with me.

Gratefully, I think I am getting better with the new routine and self-care.  I also think I am coming out of the brain fog that’s haunted me for the last year.

I am setting the expectation that 2020 will bring many, many miracles and that I will find joy and peace again.

Happy birthday, my Lallan.  I love you.

With blessings

Sharon

The Calling for 2020

A dear friend once called me a renaissance woman.  I didn’t know such a woman existed until I read the definition:  A woman who has broad intellectual interests and is accomplished in areas of both the arts and the sciences.

I am flattered to be referred to as such a one.  I do have many interests and I have ventured into diverse fields.  Along with countless other skills I’ve picked up along the way, the more memorable ones are:  breeding and showing collies, being a licensed insurance agent, owning a gluten free bistro, becoming a distinguished Toastmaster, uncovering my healing skills, creating chainmaille jewelry, publishing a few books, being a mother and a wife (twice) and now I am a single mom of a kick ass man who honours me everyday when he calls me Mother.  All while working a full time job and developing a great career in the computer industry.

In each venture, I immerse myself to learn as much as I can about the field and myself.  I am a life-long learner.  Along the way, what I have loved the most are the people.  I am graced with being friends of some incredibly talented and gifted individuals who are dedicated to their craft and sharing their gifts with others.

Allan’s passing and other life altering events marked 2019.  During the year, I took time to do some healing and understand my new normal.  While the pain of Allan’s passing will be with me for many years and may never heal in this lifetime, I decided 2020 will continue to be life altering however, I am taking control and ensuring these decisions are mine to make.

The planets have aligned for me and I am being guided to finally venture into the field that has been calling to me for a long time but I did not feel ready for or worth of heading into.  I always had obligations I committed to and followed up on.  Now, I have no more such obligations.  I waited for my time and now, it is here.

2020 signals new energy.  It feels solid and peaceful.  Perhaps it is my perception after a few years of flux and instability.  Whatever the reason, I am grabbing onto that solid and peaceful energy and using it to continue my work for the highest good.

What is in your heart for 2020?  What is calling you?  If nothing is calling you, use the time to rest and incubate.  If you do have a calling, what can you do to respond to it and bring it to life?

If there is anything I can do to support you, please let me know.

I wish you many miracles for 2020.

With blessings

Sharon

Not The Sharpest Tool Anymore

Finally!  I have a name for what I’ve been experiencing:  widow’s brain.

Before I continue sharing, I would like to remind people that once again, this blog is NOT to solicit pity but to raise AWARENESS about this state of being.  When you read about what I’m experiencing, you’ll realize that this truly applies to anyone who has experienced severe trauma so it’s important to be patient with everyone.  You don’t know people’s circumstances so don’t presume to judge.

What I find amazing is the physical manifestations that grief causes and what the brain does to cope with it.

I’ve been experiencing poor memory recall, I’ve not been eating well or resting much.  I was getting frustrated with all of this because I used to be able to remember minute details which is a skill I really need to be effective in my job but I’m no longer as sharp as I used to be.

Unless I write it down, it’s gone.

Interestingly, the big brother that is Facebook, suggested a widow and widower group for me and I decided to join.  Let’s see what other people in my situation are doing to cope.  I found some profound comments, a lot of fun shenanigans and a lot of pain.  I also found an even bigger amount of support.  Vulnerable people cheering on the small victories of equally vulnerable people.

The other day, someone posted a comment about widow’s brain.  How they were so forgetful and how the easiest tasks were now so difficult.  I knew I needed to know more.

When I researched widow’s brain and found a very descriptive and helpful article entitled “Understanding Widow Fog” written by Corey Stanford.  In Part 1, Mr. Stanford describes the phenomena as follows:

Widow Fog is the manifestation of your pre-frontal cortex (PFC) run amok. Your PFC is perpetually overloaded by trying to hold and process too much information under conditions of utter depletion. The overload of information rapidly exhausts your PFC, and your exhausted PFC fails you in its job of thinking rationally and making sense of emotion.

Your PFC makes sense of emotion by processing information received from your limbic system. Your limbic system is the part of your brain responsible for storing long term memories and sending raw emotional signals to your PFC. Your PFC takes the raw emotions and other information from current and past experiences and attempts to create a rational story. The emotions stemming from the trauma of your loss flood your PFC relentlessly, exhausting your PFC, which impedes your ability to understand, decide, recall, memorize and inhibit.

And voila, there you have widow’s brain.

Mr. Stanford goes on to provide steps on how to deal with the PFC, move through the trauma, etc.  Very much worth the read.

Why am I sharing this?  Because over the last few months, I’ve not been as responsive to people as I normally am.  I’ve been repeating myself and people have been losing patience with me because I’m not as sharp as I used to be.  I understand the impatience is something for them to heal and I am mirroring something about themselves they don’t like, however, it is still draining for me to have to remind myself of these things.

There are many mornings where I sit up on the side of my bed and try to figure out what I need to do next.  My brain will seem completely blank for 30 minutes or so but I know instinctively that there is a next step but can’t remember what it is.  Getting dressed is confusing and brushing my hair is a chore.  For those of you who know me and know how much I love my hair, this is a BIG deal.

On days off, I stay in bed where it’s safe and I don’t have to think about what to do next.  For eating, drive thru’s are convenient because I don’t have to make meals and coordinate pots, pans, dishes, ingredients, clean up and if I do make a meal, by the time it comes time to eat, I’m not hungry.

I know over time, the fog will lift and I should be able to get back to my sharp self however, in the meantime, I marvel at how incredible the brain is in being able to manage trauma.

The long list of “to-dos” I had planned for fixing my home will continue to wait.  I will continue to say no to extraneous activities unless it brings me great joy and I will learn to be okay with widow’s brain knowing that the brain is protecting itself and me.

For those of you out there experiencing widow’s brain, be at peace with the journey.  Know that you’re not alone and if you need to talk, reach out to me.  I am here to listen and I understand.

I love you all very much and wish you many blessings during this Christmas season.

With blessings

Sharon

The Extent of Loss

As you read this blog, please understand this blog was NOT written to insight pity.  I wrote this to present the extent of loss as I’m experiencing it at this time.  Perhaps this blog will help someone else who is in the throes of mourning to language what they are feeling and experiencing.

When Allan passed, I lost my best friend, my lover, my companion and my adventure buddy.  What I didn’t realize about losing Allan, was the extent of the loss I would experience.

It’s not only the loss of his company, it’s much more than that.  Since he passed, I’ve lost my sense of direction, my lifestyle, income and even still, my identity.

With Allan, I had confidence to take on the world.  It didn’t matter if I made a mistake because I knew I could learn from it and move forward.  Allan was always in my corner cheering me on and encouraging me.  Now, on many days, I second guess decisions I make in spite of my ability to ground and check what’s in the highest good.  I shake at the idea of taking on new challenges.  The fact that I’m in a relatively new job with a whole new set of challenges has me, at times, wanting to run for the hills.  I’m a change agent and even though I know the direction I’m heading in is the right one, my foundation is not as solid as it used to be.  This is very difficult for this type A personality who used to have all of the answers.

The first book Allan and I ever read together was “The 5 Love Languages.”  We learned that all of us communicate our love to another using our own love language but to really show our love for another, we need to communicate in their love language.  (If you haven’t read the book, GO READ IT!!!)  My love language is touch and I miss being held, being cuddled and simply holding hands.  There is something healing for me when I’m in physical contact with another.

My lifestyle has also changed because, with Allan, we built a life for two.  With David and all of his activities, it was easy for Allan and I to shuttle him around.  Now, it’s just me.  David’s studying for his driver’s license but it’ll probably take a couple of years before he’s a full driver.  Until then, I juggle my life and his activities.  I’m not as outgoing and adventurous as I used to be.  I do only what is necessary and nothing else.  Where I used to jump at opportunities, I now shy away.

My income has also significantly dropped.  Where I didn’t have to worry about covering bills, I now pray I don’t encounter any catastrophic events with my home, my car or whatever.  Being a single mother supporting a household and knowing I’m doing this on my own is proving to be daunting.  I have dependents.  If I was alone, I wouldn’t worry about it at all because I can live anywhere but having dependents changes the game.

Finally, I’ve lost part of my identity.  I’m Sharon Joseph still but I’m no longer Allan’s wife and partner.  There’s a life that we build when we share ourselves with another.  I had my life, Allan had his and we built a middle ground “together” life.  That middle ground “together” life is where we had our adventures, our engaging talks about spirituality, the universe, computers and whatever else would come up for discussion.  The middle ground is gone.  Now, it’s just my life and I seemed to have lost the ability to simply talk and share.  When I’m with others, I go quiet.  I don’t know what to say or how to engage anymore.

As we approach the holidays, I’m shutting down and purposely isolating myself.  I’ve never really liked this time of year because of the pretense of the holiday.  “Goodwill on Earth” should be every day, not just at Christmas time.  This year, however, I wonder how I will deal with the emotions I know will come.

I was thinking the other day, I received no gift on my birthday earlier this summer and I will wake up on Christmas day with no gift under the tree.  A gift represents someone who loves me enough to make an effort to choose something I would enjoy, something that represents them in a different way that I can use to make memories with.

As the end of year approaches, I wonder what’s in store for me in 2020.  Many years ago, I dedicated my life to Creator and doing what’s in the highest good.  Now, I wonder if I’ll be strong enough to continue doing Creator’s bidding.  There are huge shifts coming on this planet and I’m being asked to take on more difficult challenges, to channel greater energies and to expand my gifts into new realms and different dimensions.  Can I take up the challenge?  Will I take up the challenge?  Do I even want to?

I’ve been told that time is the great healer.  I’m hoping that’s true because, at this point, I’m really struggling.

Thank you for reading.

Sharon

Nothing. Squat. Nada.

I’m not sure why I’m blogging today but I do know that I’m feeling the need to.  Perhaps it’s because I’m finally giving myself the okay to do nothing.  Bumpkis.  Squat.  Nada.

Aaaand, I’m doing it without guilt.

Like everyone else, I’ve lots I could do and I know “it” will be waiting for me when I decide to get to “it”.

I also mentor a lot of people in various ways and it’s not uncommon for me to speak to 5 or so people a day in multiple stages of development who are seeking guidance and support.

Recently, however, I’ve begun making myself less available and I’ve given myself permission to be slower in responding.  In some cases, I’ve not responded at all.  Those cases are when people are allowing the emotion of the moment to drive their actions.  In my experience, they won’t heed the guidance anyways.

Why am I doing this?  It’s actually called self-care.

I’m struggling with some physical imbalances because I’ve overused and abused my body for many years.  Now, she’s telling me she’s not happy and quite frankly, I’m surprised she’s still functioning as well as she is.

Mental, emotionally and spiritually I’m pretty well balanced.  Physically, I’m not even close however I’m working to right that wrong.  I plan on living another 53 years so I’d better fix up the body I’ve got.

I know there are challenges ahead and I look forward to them because it means I’m doing something to help myself.  I’m ready for the tears, the pain and the joys this journey will bring.  I’m ready for the inconvenience of having to buy new clothes and I’m ready to ask for help when necessary.

Now, the need to blog is done so I’m signing off.

Think I will take a nap now.

Have a blessed day.

Sharon

I Want To Do What You Do!

I started my spiritual journey over 10 years ago and it’s been a loving and hell raising endeavour.  I’ve been very blessed to have incredible teachers and mentors along the way and of course, I’m grateful for Allan who helped me start down this path.

While I make it sound rosy, it wasn’t.  It was a lot of temper tantrums, snot filled heart wrenching crying, stripping away who I thought I was to become who I was supposed to be and of course, some incredible highs of achieving connections with the divine that are indescribable and something I wish everyone could experience at some point in their lives.  It’s better than any drug you could possibly take.

Along the way, a number of people have exclaimed that they want to do what I do!  They want to hear spirits and they want to work with spirits.  They want to be just like me!

I’m humbled when people make these types of comments and I always reply that they don’t want to be like me…they want to be like themselves and bring their gifts to the world.  After all, we’re all crazily unique and fabulous individuals so why wouldn’t you want to be like yourself?

In counselling them to be themselves, I also provide three basic steps for them to follow to develop their gifts:  1.  Take responsibility for your life; 2.  Decide to heal  and 3.  There is only love or fear.

Step 1:  Taking responsibility for your life means accepting, without judgement of yourself and others, you’re exactly where you are because of decisions you’ve made for your life.  NO ONE has ever MADE you do anything you didn’t want to do.

Sure, we start playing games with ourselves about so and so who told me to do this and told me to do that or I was forced to do this and forced to do that.  We can’t control what we’re taught as children but as adults, we absolutely have control over what we choose to do with our lives.  That includes unlearning the crap we learned as children.

Say to yourself:  “I am exactly where I am because of decisions I’ve made for my life.  I am at peace with this.”

With this statement you regain control of your life.  Repeat it until it becomes solidified in your being and your heart.  Cry the tears you need to, get angry as much as you need to, beat a pillow as much as you want to, do whatever it is you need to get yourself to a point where you accept the truth:  you are exactly where you are because of decisions you’ve made for your life.

Step 2:  Decide you are going to heal EVERYTHING.  Don’t cherry pick what you’re going to heal, heal it all.  Be bold in facing fears and beliefs.  Step forward with conviction in healing past lives and patterns that no longer serve.  Be willing to let go of people who add no value to your life and suck your energy.  Trust me when I tell you that energy vampires will find others to suck energy from and you shouldn’t be one of them.

Make a decision that every time you feel out of sorts, you’ll check if it’s yours and if it is, you’ll heal it until you get to the root of the fear.  Once you heal the root, you’ll no longer carry that fear in your body.  If it isn’t yours, let that shit go.  Release it like a balloon into the sky and let the wind take it away.

Be done with living out of balance.  Heal it.

Step 3.  Understand there is only love or fear.  There is nothing else.  We humans are funny in that we slice and dice emotions.  We can’t keep shit simple.  I’ve had many conversations with people that go something like this:

“blah blah blah and they hurt my feelings (or insert some negative event or emotion here.)” someone would lament.

“Ah,” I reply.  “What fear is driving that?”

“Oh, no!”  they exclaim.  “It’s not fear, it’s anger.”

“Anger is fear,” I respond.

“No, anger is not fear, it’s anger,” they retort.

“Is anger love?” I ask.

“No.”

“Then it’s fear.” I persist.

“No!  Anger is anger.” they insist.

At that point, I bless them on their journey and I drop the conversation.  I’m not sure why the idea of a non-loving emotion being fear freaks people out however, I would highly recommend you be willing to simplify your life into love or fear.  The simplicity of love or fear means you can immediately heal fear without trying to figure out if it’s anger or jealousy or anxiety or whatever.  That’s a human ego need that, to spirit, is totally irrelevant and simply an ego exercise.

One of my favourite expressions:  if it ain’t love, it’s fear.

As I said earlier, I am humbled when people feel like they want to do what I do when I know they need do them.  Regardless, if you want to be like me, you will have to heal as much as I’ve healed.

Are you ready to dedicate 3 years of your life healing over 250 past lives, healing fears and beliefs at the root, breaking vows, releasing promises and letting go of everyone you know and love?  Are you ready to understand life from your heart space rather than from your emotions and head space?  Are you ready to let go of everything you think you know and unlearn everything you’ve been taught?

If you’re ready, you can do what I do.

Until then, do you.  I’m already taken.

With blessings

Sharon

 

The Hope of Grief

As I stood at the kitchen sink earlier marveling at the waves of grief washing over my body, I couldn’t help but wonder about the pain I was feeling.   Grief really does come to me in waves and the waves are completely unexpected, very badly timed and apparently completely random.

Of course, with my logical mind, I will try to discern a pattern as to when the waves hit (what was I thinking, doing, not doing, not thinking, blah blah blah) so I can try to control them.  Once I think I have a pattern figured out, the universe will totally fuck up my logic by changing up the pattern.  This is a game I play with the universe where I try to control and the universe kicks my ass.

While I was laughing at myself knowing I was going to engage the universe in a totally losing proposition but not willing to give up, I heard “the hope of grief.”

Hmmm…that’s really an interesting statement:  the hope of grief.

As I began to ponder, the story immediately crystalized.

It was about 6 years ago now when Allan was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver.  He left it untreated and about 3 years ago, he got noticeably sicker and I naturally left the role of wife and took up the role of caretaker.

The role of caretaker is a difficult role and we are blessed in this world to have people who voluntarily fill this role for us and our loved ones.  God bless them for they truly are angels walking the planet.

As the caretaker for someone I loved deeply, I unconsciously stopped loving from my heart and began living from the head.  The survival instinct kicked in because if I lived from my heart, I would be always crying and I didn’t have time for that.  Allan needed me to be strong and so strong I became…right up until he took his last breath.  I was by his side almost every day for the last 2 years 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I did was I thought was best for both of us at the time.

Slowly, over the last 7 months, my heart has begun to open up again and with it comes the grief, the pain, the despair, the loneliness and the sorrow.  Deep, soul wrenching, breath stealing and more overwhelming that I could ever think possible.

So universe, how is grief giving me hope?

Answer:  I am moving from my head space back to living from the heart.

How do I know?  Because I am feeling again.  Every time a wave of grief hits, it means my body is letting go and will hold less grief for the next wave.  Over time, the waves will lessen until they eventually stop.  My heart will hurt less until eventually it begins to fully love again and despair, loneliness and sorrow will be replaced with hope, happiness and joy.

How much time this transition will take, I do not know but I cling to the hope of grief.

With blessings

Sharon

 

Unapologetically Rediscovering

I took my dogs for a walk on my favourite beach this morning at Waterside, New Brunswick.  This beach has 60′ tidal changes every 6 hours because it’s on the magnificent Bay of Fundy.

I love this beach, not only for its energy, but for the excitement of seeing its changing facade.  It never looks the same two visits in a row and this time was no exception.  I suspect Dorian had something to do with the new look.  The sand was smooth and packed all the way up to the dune.  Easy walking for me and great running for the dogs.

The last time I visited this beach, I grieved for me and for Allan.  It was raw, it was cleansing.  This time, it was quiet but I wasn’t very present.  I had a hard time focusing on the moment so I gave up and called on the energy associated to the water to merge with my energy and cleanse my fields.  I didn’t force trying to be present, I allowed my brain to wander where it needed to.

As I drove away from the beach, I had a profound shift in my awareness.  I was feeling the same way I felt before I married for the first time many years ago.  I am rediscovering who I am as a single woman.  I am rediscovering how truly incredible I am and what I bring to the world.  I am rediscovering how I touch people’s lives and do my best to bring joy and happiness to those I speak to and interact with.  All of this without fear of making my partner jealous or having to watch what I say or who I talk to or what I do.

(There are many underlying reasons for why I watched what I did or said or who I spoke to while married but that’s for another blog.)

I am loud, I am brash, I am bold and I am fabulous.  I stopped apologizing for who I am a long time ago and my goal in life right now is to have fun.  I desire to be remembered as the lady who lifted others.

I desire to bring joy into everything I do.

If I haven’t spoken to you today, may I remember you that you totally rock and the world is a much better place with you in it.  I love you unconditionally.  Continue to be fabulous.

There is indeed magic in boldness.

Rock on, babies!!

With blessings

Sharon