I have a fear of being skinny. I didn’t even know it was possible but there it is. I have a fear of being skinny.
I discovered this fear yesterday when I was contemplating the physical health journey I decided to undertake this year. Gratefully, I’ve healed and balanced my mental, emotional and spiritual bodies so the physical body is the last one.
I have a fabulous personal trainer who is guiding me on how to move properly and now, I have a nutrition trainer who is guiding me on how to eat properly. Shockingly, I’m not eating enough! That is totally against what I’ve been taught my entire life. If you want to lose weight, eat less. WRONG!! My body’s been in starvation mode most of my life and I didn’t even know it.
As I work on dropping body weight, I’m facing emotions I’ve eaten in the past. The emotions and thoughts were stored in my body because I used food to cover what I didn’t want to deal with. Now, I have to deal with it and thankfully I am better equipped to.
Thinking I was in a good place to move forward, I was shocked to realize I’m actually stuck on my journey and have been for a few weeks now… that is until yesterday and the revelation that I have a fear of being skinny.
In order to understand the fear, I have to go back to my school years.
I was a chubby girl and had 3 to 4 bullies remind me daily how chubby I was and how I was unworthy of being alive. Those years were traumatic and certainly contributed to the weight gain.
In late high school and university, I really took control of my health and dropped weight. I looked great, I felt great and thought the world was going to right itself because now I was a regular sized person. That was until I began experiencing sexual harassment and in one case, sexual assault. I couldn’t help wondering if I was overweight, would this have happened? I wasn’t strong enough to defend myself against the assault and once again, was left with a feeling of helplessness.
Overweight, I was bullied. Regular sized, I was assaulted. What do I need to do?
I subliminally decided I’d rather be overweight and bullied than skinny and assaulted. The mental seemed less painful than the physical. It certainly wasn’t but that was the choice I made and ballooned up considerably as a result.
Now, at 53, I know that my physical body must be healthy for me to live a great quality of life in my later years hence I’m now facing my fear of being skinny.
I’m well on my way to looking great, feeling great and knowing how to kick someone’s ass if they decide they want to prove their “macho-ness” on me again.
And now, if you will excuse me, I have a lunch date with a very attractive salad.
Have a blessed day.