I asked my brother one day if he felt the same way. He scoffed at me and said no. Actually, it was more like the long drawn out no ending with a question about my sanity. I walked away from that short conversation wounded and even more confused than ever. I began to feel isolated thinking I was the only weirdo on the planet.
I tried hard to fit into the world I chose to be born into and pretended to be happy and normal. I did a pretty good job of it. No one really pushed hard to get past the surface but my anger at being me would rear its ugly head in different ways and none of those ways were very pretty. I used food for as my drug of choice because I did not have access to money so could not buy any other stimulants and even if I could, I was too afraid of getting caught to do anything illegal. So, food it was and also constant activity. If I could succeed in my career, maybe I would feel some sort of belonging. Delusional was I and I deluded myself for many years. I was quite successful in my career but was still lost.
I have healed many fears and beliefs over the last 6 or 7 years and I have come to terms with who I am. I am still working on the wanting to be here because I have a great desire to go home and my life purpose is still a mystery so if any of you reading this blog have any ideas for me, I would love to hear them! (I do understand I am here to mirror unconditional love as part of my mission.) Anyways, a couple of years ago, Creator had asked me to call myself shaman and I had to ponder that request for a while because I did not understand what a shaman did and did not want to be different from anyone. Finally, I accepted direction from Creator and I labelled myself shaman.
Fast forward to this past Sunday. Allan and I and our dog took a drive to find a beach. Unfortunately, our favourite go to place has been cutoff from public access with a barbed wire fence and big red "Private Property" signs. Maybe they are afraid we will steal sand!? Anyways, when we go for a drive, it gives me plenty of opportunities to think and ponder. One of the questions I asked myself this day was "what does a shaman really do!?" Be careful what you ask.
Shortly after I asked myself that question, I got a vision of Miramichi and was guided to go there. My husband, being the understanding and saintly man, simply shrugged and said okay. He turned the car in the direction of Miramichi and we were off. I listened for guidance on the way but heard nothing. We pulled over at a gas station shortly before Miramichi and then my husband says "We need to go to Black River Bridge." As soon as he said it, I heard yes, this is true. What is shocking about this exchange is my husband's constant claim that he is not intuitive. I often refer to him as my "non-intuitive intuitive Lallan." As we change direction for Black River Bridge, I am called to stop at a small church and perform some healing to the indigenous spirits who feel slighted by the church's existence especially since they were unfairly killed for the land it sits on. It was an honour to be able to help them heal and move on.
Non-intuitive intuitive Lallan then says, we have another stop to make and continues to drive on. We drive up to Black River and pass over a bridge. "This is it," he declares. We pull into a small dirt lane leading us down to an old dock and the water's edge. "Heal the water" is the message I receive. As I get out of the car and advance to the water, I connect with its energy and feel the hurt and sadness. Standing on the dock, I visualize building a crystalline grid in the water to bring in love, light and healing for the creatures living in and around the water. Suddenly, fish are jumping, coming to the surface, birds begin to sing and fly in wonderful joyful patterns across the water and into the sky. I smile knowing I have helped in some small way and then I hear "this is what shaman do."
Yup. This is what shaman do.