For a few years now, I have known I am an extremely sensitive empath. Prior to this realization and without awareness, I voluntarily carried anger and other emotions that belonged to others for close to 40 years. It was not without difficulty that I managed to clear myself of these painful emotions and forgive myself for carrying these emotions knowing how each affected my life is some way.
I had learned to question every thought, every emotion and every physical ailment I was having to determine if any belonged to me and if so, I healed it. If not, I would clear it. While this sounds simple, I somehow managed to exclude some thoughts from the microscope and being on stage was one of them.
Last night, however, the planets aligned and I had the vision of speaking from stage firmly planted in my mind's eye with a message to explore this vision...was it mine? The answer: NO. I was once again carrying someone else's vision and at some point in my life, decided to make it mine.
This would explain why every attempt down the road to public speaking failed and would never flow gently and smoothly. When trying to determine if it was in the highest good for me to hold conferences or public seminars, for the most part, I would hear no. The odd time I was given permission, the turnout would be small, about 8 people and my ego mind would judge the turnout as a disappointment. Now, of course, I can see the significance of those individuals and the impact they have played in my life. For this, I am very grateful however, this does not negate the struggles I had with making my dream of speaking on stage come true.
With hindsight, I am being reminded once again to check every thought, emotion and physical ailment to determine if each are mine or not. This is a reminder I will not soon forget.
I am grateful for the insight about my vision of speaking on stage because it means the struggle can now end however, I am also saddened by the insight. The dream of speaking on stage has been with me for many years and it now feels like a part of me is missing. I know that in time, this will heal but in the meantime, I am choosing to mourn the loss of a dream.
I am confused and disoriented. I am at a loss for how to move forward in life since I had focused so much time and energy on a dream that was not mine. I will do as I normally do in times such as these and that is to go quiet. I go within to cry the tears I need to cry to release the dream and heal what is connected to the lost dream. I do not know how long this process will take and I am willing to allow myself the time necessary to process as I need to.
I ask you...what dreams are you holding on to that are not yours? Are you struggling mightily to make your dream come to fruition? Are you willing to put your dream under the microscope to determine if it is in fact yours?
While the process can be painful, I assure you, it will be worth it in the end.
Have a blessed day and I wish you happy dreams.