I worked hard so I deserved this or that. I am the best at whatever so of course I am recognized for my greatness, and on it goes. Ah, I remember the glory days of old where my fame was only superseded by my "know-it-all" attitude and my delusions of grandeur. How great I art!
All of this, of course, masked the truth: I had massive fears and insecurities I did not wish anyone else to see including myself. Here is the biggest illusion of them all: I was not fooling anyone except myself. How is that for a shot of reality?
Where is this blog coming from? It is a result of the emotional roller coaster of the last few weeks. I have a day job for a computer company where, over the last year, I helped to establish a training program for my fellow workers. This program was a year in the making with a lot of people involved and a lot of effort behind it. It was a first attempt and we knew that evolution on this process was necessary. When the time for evolution was upon us, it presented itself in the form of a gentleman who believed he had the answer to cure all ills associated with the training program.
After trying to advise and council him on his attempted direction, I decided to stay quiet after noticing my thoughts fell on deaf ears. I may have stayed quiet but emotionally I was fully engaged. I was enraged by the actions of this gentleman because he totally discounted the work done by my team feeling his approach was the correct approach and the previous design was cumbersome and not working. He took pleasure in publicly lambasting our efforts and I bought into the drama he was creating. I had myself so wound up in knots that I was ready to quit my job. I was so offended at how I was being treated and how my program was being discredited that I could not see the lesson in this.
As always, my wise husband helped me to focus my attention of a few truths in the situation: why was I so focused on the "injury" I perceived I was receiving instead of being grateful for establishing a program where none existing before? Was I not just allowing myself to be drawn into drama? Yup, nothing like a few well phrased questions to make the light bulb come on. You would think I would know better but be it ever so humble, I am still human.
Upon reflection, I am able to see the truth. The gentleman who took over the program did what he believed was the best for the company regardless of the methods used to bring this evolution to life. He believed his way was the best way. He believed what he did was necessary. So be it.
What is the lesson in this for me? Do not take anything personally. This program may have had my mark on it initially, but evolution was necessary and now the program bears his mark. Evolution will happen to the program again some day and someone else will put their mark on it. As in life, everything evolves, changes and grows. The energy required to fight growth is a high price to pay and brings much grief and strife. Understanding growth is necessary and focusing on the changes in the moment while growth is happening simply requires awareness.
What change are you resisting? Who are you allowing to rock your boat?